A Hurt So Good...

In the blog world, I think topics for posts just have to come to you - kind of like an "ahh ha" or "light bulb" moment. Over the past two weeks, i'd been working on a lengthy post but couldn't ever get it quite right.. until today....

Six weeks ago yesterday, my sweet daddy lost his 6-month long struggle with complications from a double stroke during April of this year. It's felt like i've been in a daze since then and wandering around life aimlessly not knowing what my next move would/should be. I count time - thinking of just about every event as "this day ____ days/weeks ago I was..." or random things such as Halloween decorations make me want to crawl in a hole and never come out because the holiday was daddy's favorite and he loved decorating for it while playing silly Halloween music. (Yes, it does exist!) The point is i'm not myself - at least not the same person I was before - hence I have to find a "new normal".

I think everyone has to go through their stages of grief - I know I definitely have and continue to move through my process each day. It's definitely not easy - some days I want to throw things, some I cry all day, at times i'm happy that he's not suffering anymore and other days i'm selfishly asking God why he couldn't take someone else?! Anxiety has also been a problem for me lately - something that i've always had a tinge of but nothing like it is now.. so.. What's a girl to do?!?!

BABY STEPS.... With the support of friends/family and their countless hours of listening (You know who you are - THANK YOU!)  to my depressing self, i've realized it's OK to feel this way and OK to not know what my "new normal" will be yet. I'll steal a line from a fellow bloggers title "All I can be is me, whoever that is" - I think this has a lot of truth to it for today and those days to come..For the most part I know the answer, but as Robert Frost once wrote in his poem, "The Road Not Taken", - two roads diverged in a yellow wood and sorry I could not travel both and be one traveler...  God decided in true Katrina fashion - He wouldn't let me travel down that easy road as He has a plan and although it sucks right now, I have faith that this process is all part of that plan for my life and who I will grow up to be (I'm still in my mid-20's so I like to think i'm not 100% grown yet!), and therefore, I'll continue to take it one day at a time knowing that I am a different person and embrace it...

If you're wondering how the title of this post fits in - remember that "light bulb" moment I spoke of.. 

Today, I went running for the first time since the day my dad passed away. Running has always been my stress outlet, but over the past weeks - I just didn't have it in me and I was depressed that I was unable to complete training for the upcoming Marine Corps Marathon that will take place this weekend in Washington, D.C. I was hesitant to pick it back up as i've had enough disappointment lately and the last thing I needed is to have a crappy run to further ruin my mood. Man, was I wrong! Running is like learning to ride a bike - you (or in this case my body) never forget. As soon as I got my stride, it was like I stripped myself of so many emotions that I had been carrying - all of a sudden I remembered the reason I started running to begin with - it's not about the time clock, post-race party or bling (although the bling is PRETTY!!). It's having that one thing or place that is individually yours where you can go to challenge yourself and leave life's daily burdens mentally/physically - for me, I pound them into the pavement - sometimes even shed a few tears post run (Yes, this happened today and yes, I made sure nobody saw me!) but when they finally stopped I realized....

A RUN NEVER HURT SO GOOD...